Sunday, 24 May 2015

SAUSAGES!




   Well I don't know if your peeps have ever done this but mine sure did, and my word did it cause some problems but a modicum of fun too! What's that you say peeps?....oh yes, OK.....I do apparently need to tell you what it was peep did before telling you it was a problem. Yes, I can see that would be an issue, so here goes, or rather here I come......again!

   Firstly I need to explain that the food arrangements at the palace are pretty decent, being two square meals a day with desserts, add-lib nibbles, and a good cream allowance. But you can’t beat a bit of variety, no ma'am, so for a change I add the odd take away, but not every night, heck I'd be 'Erin the Fat Princess' for sure and where would I be then? Stuck in the cat flap I wouldn't wonder. Mouses!

   I say square meals, but as the Metric Mouses haven’t been tampering with my food, and the pouches are quite, well, pouch shaped with round corners, I thinks its fair to say that the meals are of a more well-rounded mouse shape meal, with vague rectangular overtones. So all menu's taken into account, it has come to pass that I generally eat half of what peep prepares for me and I supplement the rest with the mice stuff...sorry NICE stuff. 

   Now it wasn’t long after I had moved into my new palace, say 6 months, no actually you don't have to say it, just roll with me on this. Well, actually no you don't need to roll with me either, not in that sense, it’s not like there's a nip plant or anything. Let’s just say... believe me, yes believe me sounds good, so let’s just believe me when I say it was about six months after I moved in that food started to go missing. Not peeps food, but my food to be precise, my best cat meat with crunchy bits food. Them crunchy bits I think are supposed to make it taste like a mouse but it doesn't work, believe me, nothing tastes like a mouse unless it is a mouse!

   Well, when the food started to all be eaten both morning and evening, and not by yours truly, it didn't take peep long to notice as this princess was still hungry, and I let him know in no uncertain terms! Peep rapidly responded with the conclusion that it was mouses, yes it was mouses that I had brought that had eaten it, or I had worms. Yep, my worms were in the frame as well, wasn't sure what frame that was, but peep was certain both the mouses and the worms were in it. Mouses!

   Peeps explained that the frame is imaginary, unlike the mouses or indeed the worms, which are real, or may be real. The "may be real" however isn't the same as "the imaginary" as apparently ones a possibility and one is made up, I think?

   Now I know I'm just a princess and all, but it struck me that if the mouses and the worms were real, then the imaginary frame wouldn’t hold them in, so clearly they would escape. If however they weren’t real, then the imaginary frame would hold them in, unless they got wise and jumped out! 

   Peeps instant remedy was to worm me and sit back and wait. Clearly this did nothing for me, as I don't have worms, but did leave me feeling rather lack lustre and a lot less hungry, though I did have cravings for sardine pizza and nip (easy on the sardines as they give me wind, Arr) with a light cheese mousse. Sadly these didn’t figure on peeps menu, which is a wowser, huh?

   By the following Friday things hadn't changed, and as the worms had now exited the frame, peep declared that it was them mouses that I'd brought in that were eating my meals. With great deliberation peep placed an array of mouse traps near and around my food bowls. Now I do seem to recall a certain incident with electronic mouse gadgetry before, but try as I might peep just couldn’t see that I was there to catch them mouses that were clearly now not only in the frame but out of it eating my meals. Mouses!

   Monday morning came, and not a sausage had been caught, which is quite a relief actually as a marauding cat food eating sausage wasn't high on my list of must meet things that week, for sure. Disgruntled, peep headed off to work, and I likewise headed to for some mousing under my now well strimmed hedge, where the thought of meeting a giant cat food eating mouse also struck me as probably more than a Monday morning challenge, what with also avoiding the marauding cat food eating sausage!

   Fast forward a couple of nap....ahem....work filled hours and you will find me headed back home for my supper, and ducking out the way of Fluffy, a large and grumpy looking, and not surprisingly very fluffy grey/black cat who comes this way every now and then. To be fair, he may not actually be called Fluffy but peep and I both agreed it fitted, in an ironic sort of way. I dare say that his rather splendid Afro style (with small parting) is a work of some hairdressing genius or an overzealous peep, either way I think that's why he’s so grumpy looking. Either that or he rubbed up against some nylon carpeting too long.

   Anyways, all the talk of sausages and mice had made me hungry, and I headed in to have supper. As the mouse traps had unsurprisingly been a disaster, I decided to nap downstairs in a strategic spot in my box, and get myself a mousage. Darkness fell, and alas so did I, not off my seat I hasten to add, no ma'am, but almost as shameful, I fell asleep! I woke in the wee small hours to a very faint click. I didn't at first realise what it was, never really being in the house at night, and certainly being in the house with another creature, but it was the sound of the magnet on my cat flap closing just the last fraction of an inch when the force of the magnet pulls it shut. Staring into the gloom, for there was no street lighting at that hour or anything in the house that emitted a glow, I just caught a glimpse of, no it couldn't be surely? A SAUSAGE!?  A possessed sausage at that, which seemed to be gliding off the ground towards my bowl! Sausages! Sorry..... Mouses!

   Well if it looks like a sausage and floats like a sausage it must be a sausage. Maybe one of those German types what with a bit of a bend in it, who knew, but wasting no more time, I did the only thing a princess could do, I jumped on it! Now at this point, peep described the ensuing affray as equivalent to 'raising cane'. Now I've never knew peep had grown bamboo but can only guess it must rustle an awful lot! Anyways, after jumping on the sausage I soon realised that there was more to this than met the eye, ooh yes, there were four legs a mouth and a very, very fluffy grey/black body. Eeeek...I'd landed on Fluffy, well more exactly I'd landed and just sunk my teeth into Fluffs tail, which was as much a surprise to him as me!

   Caught red pawed (or is that black pawed?) most of the ensuing chaos was really caused by each of us trying to disentangle ourselves from the other and Fluffy trying to find the cat flap again. The culprit discovered and sent running, peep was able to put the mouse traps away and rest easy......well, for that night at least.

   Next day peep was off work and getting under my feet as he cleaned around the palace, so I headed off to see his charming young neighbour called Sheila, Australian I think. Coming home after some serious tummy and chin rubs and a bit of cream, I was confronted with the scene of peep coming out the front gate with a large grey/black mass in his hands (AKA Fluffy) and depositing same on pavement. 

   Now if you've ever had one of those feelings, a premonition call it, that you really need to just sit and watch, even when you know you should go and help, then you'll know exactly how I felt right there and then. Something good was going to happen on Peep TV, for sure. No sooner than peep had shut the gate and walked into the house, than Fluffy leapt over the gate and through the open front door. Good style of jumping I thought, for one so large, and I was just thinking on the merits of those score cards that they hold up at the gymnastics and ice skating, when there was a cry of despair coming from the palace. Seconds’ later peep briskly marches Fluffy out and gives him a ticking off in the middle of the pavement and insists that he never darkens the doorstep again.

   I kid you not, not that there was a goat involved, but Fluffy wasn’t giving up, no ma'am, 'cos as soon as peeps back was turned he just went and moseyed on right back in behind him meowing as he went, as though he owned the place. Mouses! Have to give him 8/10 for persistence, though I wouldn't have meowed myself, rather gives game away on the sneaking in front. Peep unsurprisingly heard the approach and picked up the still meowing Fluffy and popped him over the gate, and then ran indoors with such speed you'd have thought an unwanted visitor had come into view.

Attempts 4 & 5 by Fluffy followed in quick succession. Attempt 4 was through the cat flap which peep had left open, and a volley curses followed and peep marched a still happy and meowing Fluffy over to my hedge. He then did that funny sort of "I'm not really running, more a fast stroll" sort of sprint back indoors, and I distinctly heard the cat flap portcullis being lowered.

   Had peep looked behind him he would have seen Fluffy matching him speed wise back across the drive. Whether this lad really liked my meals, or peep was using the wrong perfume I'm not sure, but either way attempt 5 was in the offing. With the agility of Nureyev himself, he vaulted from the top of the gate to the top of the fence and was heading for the upper levels and the open window in my crystal tower! Bravo, bravo I found myself saying, a 9/10 for that move for sure, but would he make the window? Peeps had however, with unusual cognitive speed sussed that the scrambling on the fence could mean only one thing, and he was at that very moment pounding up the spiral staircase towards the open window. Mouses!

Wow, I do like a cliff hanger, or in this case a window hanger, and this one was heading for a doozy! Sat there watching, I could feel dramatic music from the silent movies would have been great round about this point, but as there wasn't one of those whirling-itsa things we settled for a couple of courting pigeons, and a yappy Pekingese for contrast. Peep, I think, would have to be the Pekingese as he's not very good at courting, and can whittle on about things so.  

   Anyways, Fluffy had taken the direct approach but had a steep hazardous climb. Peep had taken a longer less perilous assent, but would tire in his haste. It had to be neck and neck, but on past performance, health, build and clumsiness I wasn't giving peep good odds! Sure enough, peep later told me that Fluffy had made it to top of stairs before him and had only stopped for some of my biscuits on the landing. Peep, after medical assistance from his inhaler, bundled a still fresh and happy Fluff off downstairs, and popped him back on the drive, and this time waited till he'd padded off to another home further down the road.

   When Bonnie (I look after her when peeps away) next saw peep she smiled at the story and advised that Fluffy was actually called Bailey and had a lovely home, in fact many a lovely other home (hers included) in whichever home he found himself in at the time. In truth Bailey is a lovely feline, and underneath the wicked Afro, which really doesn't suit him, is a heart of gold, good manners and a cheekiness you just can’t but love. Score 10/10 for sure.

   What's that peep?.... I haven't told the readers why this all happened?.... OK I best tell them as it is rather the point, and whilst to peeps lasting embarrassment, I do think this is actually to his credit. This whole escapade started some weeks earlier when peep let Fluffy, AKA Bailey, into the house one morning whilst I was out mousing and fed him. Fluffy was clearly having a bad Afro day due to a heavy dew that morning (and may be the cause of his constant frizzy hair) and peep took pity on him. As he didn't appear again, to peeps knowledge, he put him out of his mind. Sausages! 

   I suppose the moral of the tale is, if you invite someone to the party, don't be surprised when they turn up, or in deed when they turn up.

   Now I found out later that peeps seemed to have this sort visitor trouble in centuries gone by, when castles were bigger than my peeps and had arrow slits and the like. From what I have read though, they didn't try to keep them out, no ma'am they kept them in, and made a special area for them, an area which eventually bore their name, a Bailey. Mouses!

















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