It all seemed to go completely nuts, and by that I don't mean my squirrel pal called Nutts, kinda nuts, no ma'am that would be acorns kinda nuts after all, and as we all know two T's do not a Nut make. Though two teas do a nice Sunday afternoon tea make, especially if there is cream and scones, or just cream. purrs
Anyways, last week was kinda bonkers..... Hmm... Er.... peeps ol' pal, can I say bonkers? I mean this is a family blog and all.... Hows about Conkers? You know peeps, horse chestnuts, they're very nutty, in fact the whole idea of horses with nuts is as nutty as squirrels making nut pies, as my great pal Seville always says. Mouses!
Whats that peeps ol' nutty one, horses DO have chestnuts! On their legs? Pull the other one peepers, you know the one with the bells on, which I hasten to add never work. If horses have chestnuts, why don't they have squirrels on their legs too, huh? I mean it stands to reason, where you have nuts you have squirrels.
What! those chestnuts aren't actual nuts, but bits of the leg! I won't be ordering any of those for the Christmas selection. I just had that table varnished and there is no way I want hoof prints on that. Mouses!
Anyways, things this week all took off in a conkery sort of nutty way (and not a squirrel or horse way) at the Palace, when we got the call from our pals about having been selected as Blog Paws Finalists. Well after the dust had settled from the partying, and I do need to have a word with the cleaners about that, it seems like it's all now up to a panel of judges to decide who has won the coveted Blog Paws trophies. purrs
My pal Seville the Gentlecat, over at Nerissa's Life, has on the subject of this very matter a great new and fun post called "Home Improvements with Seville" all about panelling, panels and their installation, and the risks attached thereto. It seems that the tail is particularly vulnerable, especially if one has like my peep, an errant swing. Sort of makes you go Ouch! just thinking about it. Mouses!
Anyways, not one to miss out on a good bit of advice, I had a quick scout around and soon discovered the Palace doesn't have any panelling, not an inch of it, not unless you count the fencing around the estate. Fencing which I have to say is a rather nice nut brown, and does have a few nutty squirrels, though absolutely no horses. purrs
So, as peeps is NOT blessed with any powers of DIY, bar making a cup of coffee, I am rather looking forward to those there judges coming in. In fact the Palace really could do with a bit of a make over, and a spot of oak panelling around the Great Hall and in the master bedrooms would be wonderful.
Mind you, those judges don't seem to have quoted for the job yet, but I think if I can get it in under a dozen mice and a bottle of double cream, it's a bargain. Hmm, whilst they're at it, maybe if I slip them a some of my three year old Mature Canadian Cheddar they could do a spot of painting in the Conference Hall and kitchens, on the side. purrs
Peeps, I think I have a plan. Now what I needs you to do, peeps ol' pal, is to go get the number for those panelling judges at Blog Paws, and then go find me those plans for the proposed extension to the Palace West wing. You know the ones, with the new science labs, and the jacuzzi, to replace the ones that Palace scientist, sorry, EX scientist RIP, accidentally blew up. Who knew the want of an Oxford comma could cause so much damage. Mouses!
OH, and whilst you're at it, can you go to the vaults and check how much three year old Mature Canadian Cheddar we have, I think it may well be a deal clincher. I mean, who can resist a slice of cheese? purrs
In this day and age, an age of electronic communication, us cats really do have it sorted. I mean if I wants to speak to someone to order fresh supplies, I can push a few buttons on this here laptop and send emails, tweets and even Skip my way to folk many miles away. A lot less energy involved, bar the skipping bit, for the busy Princess about town, though to be fair I do try to get around and see my pals when mousing duties permit. purrs
Now apparently there are a lot of meetings where my peep works, and as a result there's a lot of cat erring going on too. Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out peeps must be doing it all wrong, on account of cats seldom err anything, unless its to get the fur dried after a shower, and we don't have any dirty laundry, well not this Princess anyways. purrs
Whats that peep? One word you say? catering is NOT a mistake but food supply you say? Hmm, well I don't know how to break this to you peeps, sort of let you in on a little secret, gentle like, but with your food supply skills this Princess cat is erring on the side of caution and ordering a take away. Mouses!
Anyways, before I was digressed, it seems like all of peeps bosses need to have a get together to say things and give each other presents of ions and so on, and in doing so need errings for cats... sorry... need caterings. So naturally they call upon someone with a cat. Does sort of makes sense I suppose, but I do feel maybe they should have just come to me, cut out the middle peep, get straight to the whiskers as it were.
However, and as I am sure those bosses were aware, behind every good peep there is a better cat Princess, or Gentlecat like my pal Seville, who has taught peep everything I know, and more, and who is ready to give guidance on etiquette, poise and dress sense. Sadly with regards the latter, peeps is still under my instruction and needs extra lessons with regards correct the times to wear baggy jumpers, leggings, and pumps.
So it was hardly a surprise when more of these catering events came our way, and peep was given the job of organizing the tables and chairs and food. Somewhat rudely, and if I say so myself which I do on account of putting it down on this here blog, peeps thought the menu I suggested was a little "lacking in substance and variety". This is clearly an accusation I refute completely as there are many ways to cook a mouse and sparrow, it just so happens that that those with cheese, and or cream or nip are my favourite. purrs
Simple fare is always best, so for those tired executives I thought the best way to garner food appreciation would be to work up an appetite. How better I thought than to have a team building exercise where they could catch their own lunches, build a campfire and sing songs to raise the spirits. purrs
OK, so how was I to know that setting fire to historic old furniture on the 8th floor of a historical old building is against the fire regulations, huh? I mean peeps does it all the time to the Palace furniture and rugs, and does anyone bat an eyelid? Well not that I have seen, though that could be because the bats are in the East wing storage area, behind the science labs. But had they eyelids on that scene, and had they seen a scene of peeps hunting mice and setting fire to furniture, and rugs in the pursuit of campfire fare and camaraderie, I'm sure they wouldn't be at all shocked. I mean there are worse things to see around the Palace, but best not mention peep in those leggings, again. purrs
Well, for every sensei (that's me) there comes a moment such as this when the grasshopper (that's peep, and no reference to the legs!) becomes the one whom challenges the Iron Maiden. Hmm... that doesn't sound right.
Err... peeps ol' fruit, what's it called when you challenge the norm? and by challenge the norm I don't mean what you did the other day to Norm the garden Gnome when you'd lost your contact lenses and thought it was an intruder. I mean, who in their right mind goes fishing when in the off season, and in that hat like that. Mouses!
Whats that? Status quo you say? and its not the Whom but the WHO you say! Well I'm not entirely certain how two cult classic rock bands and a Time travelling genius fit in to the catering theme of this here blog, but one thing's for sure, I'm sure they wouldn't say no to a selection of my finest deep fried mice with cheese dip, just the sort of food those growing lads need. purrs
***** Later that same day *****
Er... peeps, if its not too difficult a question, why is the Palace full of biscuits and orange squash? I know the mousing has been a bit lean of late on account of a certain problem of a personal nature in the water department, which I hasten to add has nothing to do with that rather unfortunate incident with the new fountain like device you had installed in bathroom No.3, but there's really no need to resort to biscuits. I mean the place is full of them. I even saw some on the sofa, MY sofa. Mouses!
What! This is hospitality, you say? Hmm, so what you're saying is those poor, tired, and hungry peeps, leaders of industry, will have nothing to eat but biscuits, and squash? Mouses! No wonder the nation is on the brink of ruin and obesity!
What's that? they're not just any old biscuits, but Custard Creams and Bourbon Creams you say. Right.... maybe there needs to be a re-evaluation of your training grassho.... Hang on a mo! did you say Custard Creams and Bourbon Creams? I mean, Custard and Bourbon with the emphasis on the CREAMS?
Hmm, I think it's time for your assessment... Peeps ol' fruit, I'll be conducting your annual monthly surprise spot check review, in five minutes. Meet me under the sofa and bring some packs of the those Custard creams, as an example of course. Second thoughts, better bring some of the Bourbon's too. OK? good!
Actually, there's no need for you to come as clearly you'll be way too busy arranging camp fires and such like for those tired leaders of Industry. I will just have to shoulder the responsibility myself, for the sake of quality control, a sort of blind tasting as it were. So turn off the lights on the way out will you, OH, and tell the chef not to wait up, I may be some time! purrs
I made it to the Finals of the Blog Paws Nose to Nose Awards, and I am in some GREAT company. Mouses!
Best Pet Humor Blog Finalists:
Erin the Cat (Princess) (that's me!)
Want to meet other GREAT Blog Paws Finalists? Just click here.