Previously at the Palace.......
Hang on, Marmalade................. the CAT!
Hmmm, this looks interesting, a mail from the Lady Penelope, arranging a meeting to pick up.... some jam? 90 miles seems an awfully long way to go just to get something for the mornings toast, especially as peeps is watching the figure and Type 2 diabetes.
Very suspicious, I best read on....
OK, seems like it wasn't jam but marmalade, that does make it better, nothing quite like a bit o....
OH MY WORD!
THE STORY CONTINUES.......
It's true, there is another, a cat called Marmalade, and peep is off this very day to go and get her!
I'm doomed! Lost, done for, and otherwise a has been, past it and thrown on the scrap heap of...... erm unwanted princessness. Mouses!
I knew it, it was my ears, my tummy and my... er, actually I think my bu.... derriere is quite fit, on account of all the jumping I do. Still maybe I could do with an extra workout? Trim a mouses whisker, and maybe a leg here and there.
****** Sniffles ******
****** Snuffles ******
****** Sobs ******
I think I'll go and pack my bags. I can hand over the keys and the instruction book to the new.... er.... is Marmalade a boys or girls name?
In fact is Marmalade a Princesses or Princes name? Heck I can't just abdicate my post and my Palace for any old Tom or Tabitha. This Princess has standards you know. In fact whilst I think about it, I'll take the flag down and roll it up as that's mine, and I earned that, even Santa said I had.
Hang on, actually the more I think about it, I earned all of this. I made all this happen, with the help of my pals, so why should I have to give it up?
Why should peep, who I dragged from the gutter of despair, get to criticise and reject me because of my ears and midriff, I mean have you seen peep's tummy and behind?
OK thankfully you won't, but let me tell you that Christmas won't see that peep getting down any chimneys, for sure, let alone getting into the Christmas outfit. I always said a toga was far more appropriate, that or a tent. Mouses!
Right that does it, I am resolved. I've had enough. I shall confront peep and this.... this usurper, and have it out with her... er... him, whatever!
Right, best get some air to clear my head, and maybe a nap and a diet protein snack to fortify myself for the confrontation to come. This Princess won't go down without a fight, no ma'am. For England, for Queen, and for my Palace. Oh and a rather large order of cream I really want to get to try. I shall stand proud, stand firm and .... hmm, I do think I better have these claws done before I head out, I wonder if it's too late too book myself in? purrs
****** Some time later *****
Oh, seems like peep is home already. Right, it's all about the entrance. Nothing says it better than a good entrance. Maybe I should get a rat and drop it off for added effect? Says more than flowers that's for sure. purrs
ERIN FIGHTS BACK......
OK here goes, full steam ahead!
****** Clatter and general disarray as cat flap disintegrates ******
Ouch! that really didn't go quite as planned, I seem to have destroyed the door, Mouses! Best call the DIY peep and have that fixed, I mean I can't have the Palace going around exposing itself, just NOT the done thing. Purrs
And, talking of DIY, of the un-enabled kind that is, I would have thought peep would have come to my aid, or be calling the triage nurse, though heavens know why it takes three, one would be more than enough for me. purrs
Strange, I can't hear anything at all. The birds have stopped singing and even the mice have stopped squeaking.... OK so that is most likely my fault, but in the movies something bad always happens when it goes quiet, unless its a mime. purrs
I best be on my guard, maybe this is one of those coup d'etat things. Or an assassination attempt, and another of those gnomes has been hired to do for me!
Right, the best defence is an offence, so I best find out where that cat is and exactly what it is peep is up to.... scheming do doubt.
****** A few minutes and a few flights of stairs later ******
Phew, I really must get those stairs sorted, maybe have them lowered a few inches....
Right, door to master bedroom is open, and so all I have to do is go in and catch them at it. Big bold entrance and hold nothing back, go for the throat and failing that I can usually get hold of peeps toes.
OK you two, what do you think you're up to, huh? You, cat, going behind my back, trying to worm your way into peeps affections, after my Palace, my title, and my cream! Well this Princess ain't....
Is anyone here?
A SURPRISE FOR ERIN......
Oh there you are peep, what are you doing? I mean WHAT ARE YOU DOING! and WHERE IS THAT CAT, Marmalade!
Over there you say, by that large silver insulated bubble wrap package?
I can't see anything, are you sure you haven't just made all this up, a trick to get me thrown out of the Palace for being nuttier than a squirrel making nut pies kind of nutty?.... Hang on, no wonder I can't see the cat, Marmalade is a Cheshire Cat! The ones that are invisible bar the grin.
Oh my, I cant compete with that, though I am good at making things disappear, all the time in fact.
In deed last week I vanished six mice. OK it was actually seven but the last two were a bit small so I only counted them as half each. purrs
Right, where was I? OK, where is this usurper, this apple of your askew eye, this, this replacement ne'er do well, jackanapes.
What do you mean, It's in the bag!
Surely you haven't put a poor defenceless yet surprisingly usurping kitty in that, that large foil insulated.... erm.... thing! She isn't on ice is she, like a frozen cat from pre-history........ Eeek! Marmalade isn't a sabre tooth! and only stopped from mauling and killing by being suspended in that cryogenic package!
What the heck, why on earth do you need one of those when you have me, I mean what has she got that I don't huh? answer me that!
Thought as much, I have you stumped don't I, I can always tell from that glazed look and dropped jaw.
And what are you going to do with her? It isn't easy keeping a sabre tooth I can tell you, OK I can't tell you, but it will be costly, for sure. For starters all the flaps will need changing and the decor will have to be a red, to hide the stains. Oh and not forgetting all the new linen and towels. That will blow the budget for the next few years. purrs
And have you thought about the neighbours? what with all the blood curdling screams, not to mention the corpses! Mind you, probably won't have to worry about them for too long. Mouses!
Best you get onto the utility peeps and have them change us to on-line meter readings from now on, as a dare say they won't have any readers left to read our meter once word gets out.
Anyways, if you think this Princess is hanging around to pick up the pieces or to be a tooth pick for that behemoth, then you have another thing coming... I shall get my stuff from behind that the cryogenic unit and I'll.....
Er peeps, I hate to put a dampener on your whole parade, but aren't you a concerned that this here Marmalade is a bit quiet, and looking at that packaging, a bit thin too?
Are you sure you she didn't get squashed in transit, or is she in need of re-hydrating? You do know us cats do need to have plenty of fluids?
You haven't been conned again have you, like the everlasting doughnut fiasco? I mean nice though that lump of wood with a hole in it was, I doubt if anyone other than a woodworm would find it tasty!
Let me have a look and see what mess you've got yourself into this time. I dare say if that cat is in there it will want get out of that packaging asap.
Right here goes, I shall just give this a tug....
Whats that peep? Of course I can, heck, there is no need to get so animated about this, I have it all under control.
No seriously, there is no need to turn red, and jumping off the bed at that pace won't do you or your blood pressure any good either. I just need to push here and, et voila!
****** Almighty crashing sound and breaking of glass ******
Umm, peeps, by any chance was Marmalade frozen? If so I think maybe I she has just had her expectations shattered, into a few bits. Yup, maybe more than a few. Mouses!
OK, don't panic, you call the vet and I will go and make a cup of tea.
What's that? Marmalade is a picture of a cat!
Hmm, so are you telling me that you have a dehydrated frozen copy of a saber tooth cat, called Marmalade, in that there bag and it has just broken into countless bits?
Well I'll be. Why all the secrecy, seems like a perfectly.....
Hang on, if Marmalade is a picture, where did all that hair come from that I found on your clothes?
Really? You mean it was from a paintbrush? Well I never, who knew cats could paint, not I for sure.
OK you go and tidy up this mess and I will go and see if the vet can take Marmalade in as an emergency appointment, or do you think I should be phoning the frozen food section at the supermarket? purrs
Rest assured I will have my eye on Marmalade just in case, after all, sleeping cats don't lie....