OK, just as I suspected, all the evidence suggests there has been another feline in my garden!
How do I know, I hear you ask, well if you'll settle yourself over there I shall tell you all about it. Purrs
It is an ancient skill passed from mother to kitten and honed through days and months of rigorous playing. The essential training for all cats who need to survive the tough streets, roads, and hedges of a life without walls, litter boxes, and servants.
Many peeps don't realise the hardships we face, and that the lives we live are driven by a need to survive and not to have fun.
Alright I confess, we do have fun when we can, but that isn't any different to peeps going out to lunch and feeding the pigeons in the park. You watch, I stalk. You throw food, I jump. You eat your pastrami on rye and I have a business lunch and we all go back to work happy. purrs
OK, moving swiftly on, no pun intended, we felines live by our wits, ready to face any adversary that comes through the mouse hole or attacks from the sparrows nests in the sky.
Hang on, I'm fairly certain I've not been to Vienna so why I'd want to say goodnight to it I don't know. Why not good morning Vienna? I mean them peeps in Vienna must wake up at some point and I'm sure they can't be that grumpy that they ignore each other till bedtime?
Curtains for mousie?....
What's that peep? Curtains you say? It's CURTAINS not nets, drapes, blackouts or other window dressings.
Oooh, so it's a theatrical expression rather than a decorating one. OK so does that mean I need to have an audience each time I go mousing?
And will I be needing Equity Union Membership? Or should that be dis-membership on account of the claws in my contract. Purrs
Hang on, if I'm going to perform I need Union Rates and a stunt double for those chase scenes.
AND I need a leading man. Do you think Maxwell, from A Tonks Tale, is available? If not, that Benedict Cumberbatch AKA Sherlock, seems like a nice peep, intelligent too, in fact he could solve all my missing mouse problems for me!
Mind you I'll have to insist Benedict doesn't bring that violin of his, with peeps singing being so bad I don't want any more complaints. Mouses!
Maybe I need a full time agent, I mean it is the done thing these days.
Talking of agents, a cat has to be an agent. A secret agent, the best possible of agents in fact, able to sniff out undesirables with the twitch of a whisker or bat of the eyelid.
We needs to scope out the lay of the land whilst maintaining a complete outer appearance of elegance, poise, disregard, and effuse an inner unshakable calm. Trust me that isn't easy without practise and a full on diet fit for the athletes we are.
Whats that peep? Did I hear a titter there, and see a little smirk? I think I did, and that is totally uncalled for, I'm way more an athlete than you! Lets face it when was the last time you chased down a sparrow or a mouse?
And don't forget I saw you last night! Yup you thought I was tucked up asleep on my sofa, but I saw that pizza get away from you when you opened the freezer door. It slipped right through those opposable thumbs you have for fingers and rolled right under the cupboard down the coal chute and made a bid for freedom across the moat. Shame it was going so well too until the Kraken got a whiff of the Anchovy topping and then it was good night Pisa, Milan and Vienna. Mouses!
Talk about embarrassing, I could barely look! OK so I did just a bit but it was well worth it, and it does mean I'll have something funny to recount at the next POO Do, thats the Palace Owners Organisation Christmas shindig. Purrs
OK so to get things back on track, we cats have the skill and the art to do things and go places and sense things that no other animals can. And whilst others can do things we can't, there are none so steeped in history or mystery, the physical, metaphysical, astral psychic and paranormal than us. I like to call it The Force.
For us life is no mystery, we grab it by the tail and run. To us the whole world is a stage, one without bounds. And you peeps? well you're all just actors. Purrs
Our life force flows from the beginning of time, and will be there at the end, and passes through every cat and kitten and gives the assuredness and resilience you see, to play and be alive even in the face of adversity, something most peeps lack.
****** Sighs ******
Peep? Are you still with me?
OK, I can tell by the glazed look and dribble that maybe all of this is too much to grasp at once.
How can I sum this up for you.....
To put simply, for you my ol' peep, we are very, very good at hunting mice, the best in fact, always have been and always will be.
Hows that sound?
Oh well, sometimes I think I might just as well be talking to myself. Mouses!
****** Silence ******
Poachers in the Palace.......
OK, moving on to the crime to paw, namely there being a cat in my garden... THERE'S BEEN A CAT IN MY GARDEN!
I mean these are not just any old garden grounds, no ma'am, they're mine, my private garden, my very special mousing garden. The hallowed hunting grounds of my forebears, from times past, and forebears of times to come.... That will be me!
Hang on, no wonder there aren't any mice to be had, I've got poachers!
Peeps what I want you to do, is get on to the local police, the constabulary and tell them to look out for a Tabby, with a white patch of fur on his chest, 12 inches high with a slight limp. These villains always have a limp.
Hmm in fact best call Interpol too, and The Mounties, and the FBI just in case this is part of an international crime syndicate attempt to kidnap my mouses! Heck I can't have that, I mean if anyone is going to have... er... help these mouses it's me. These international villains really do seem to make that one mistake, and that ol' peep of mine, is messing with me!
Of course if this turns into a ghostly matter, I'll be calling the BEST team in the land, headed up by none other than my pal Sherlock Herms himself. Those guys get results, in fact they've just set up a new office. Whilst I think about it, peep, I'll just jot down their name for you: The Wonderpurr Detective Agency, (WDA).
Whats that peep?
How do I know all this?
Well, clearly I have been chatting to myself for the last 8 minutes and thirty-two seconds; has nothing about the feline guile, prowess, and intuition sunk in?
What do you mean Yes, but no, but maybe?
Look it's so simple, but if you can't see it I can't explain it any better, so you'll just have to go with me being a super sleuthing high functioning feline. After all I do read a lot of mysteries in the West wing tower's library! Purrs
Now, my Paw-padawan apprentice, I think it's time for my power nap, so if you don't mind leaving me for a bit I'll be down when our guest comes.
Ooh, did I not mention that? OK sorry, I phoned Moretti the Cat's peep earlier and asked her to come around later to collect his slightly hairy collar and identity tag, the one he left under the Clematis in the garden.
Until she comes, I shall be meditating and searching The Force for guidance. These International villain types always make that that one small mistake, a seeming insignificance to most, but not to one such as I.
Fear not, I'll soon have this sorted, nothing gets past this Princess. Purrs