OK, that was a rhetorical question as you clearly are home as in you are standing there hang dog expression, on the door mat looking for all the world like a wet puppy that has too much time in the mill pond chasing ducks.
That is you, isn't it? I mean it has been a while since I saw you.
When was it? Last night, the night before or maybe before that? I forget you know, a stranger you may as well be these days!
Ah, yes I have this vague recollection of a figure, a tall, slender and dark stranger coming into my life, and us spending the night together. Side by side on the wool duvet, exchanging sips of Creme de Niptini...... giggling and purring like kittens...... and then, in the heat of the night.....
Oooh that reminds me, I do need to have that electric blanket fixed, it seems to be set on steamy. Mouses!
Anyways to recap, there we'd be, side by side, making biscuits in the heat of the night and we would........ well you know, we'd.....
What's that, ol' stranger?
Hanky Panky in the Palace!......
Absolutely NOT! We'd be swapping tales and tails and other mouse parts of course, well this is a family blog and I'll countenance no hanky panky in this Palace, panky is reserved for Shrove Tuesday. Mouses!
Anyways enough of my dream, what I seem to have here standing before me, dripping on my nice clean rug is something akin to a pot bellied, drowned long haired Red Setter.
I mean, you come in and out of my life on a daily basis, never so much as a by your leave as to what we might be doing that day or week or month.
Do you know, the last time we sat down together was 1840! I mean that is yonks ago, ages, eons, and a fair few mouses I can tell you!
Whats that, ol' stranger, neither of us were born then, you say?
Look, I do think I know best on this subject, I even put it down in my diary. I do keep one you know, for tax purposes, alibi's and just in case I get a summons for speeding whilst in possession of a mouse. Though I do take special care to go paws free when ever possible.
But there is always that one moment when you have to take your paws off the road and take a call. Call of nature that is, and it is always without fail that there is a traffic crow around the other side of the hedge. Mouses!
Mind you there are so many reckless cats on the roads these days, I see them all the time, jumping red lights trying to get home after a night out at friends and lovers. Or those all nipped up from a night on the tiles, swaggering across the road without a care in the world, holding up all the traffic and causing havoc in the streets. And those that try to serenade the stars or wake their peeps to be let in, or call round at their mates for the hair of the dog!
Now that would be something to give you a hair ball. Mouses!
A lesson to be learned......
Anyways, it says here in my own paw writing, that it was 1840. A Wednesday to be precise, and the weather was surprisingly clement for the time of year. In fact I do recall that day, as it only rained for 23 hours rather than the usual 27 in the day, the cat day that is. Well the cat day I work to.
Yup I distinctly recall you, if it is you, coming in at twenty to seven and actually sitting down and not going to sleep straight away. Yup, it was a red letter day that, well I only had a red pen to write it, but I got food, treats and somewhere warm to sit on!
It was so warm after I gently eased you off..... OK who am I kidding, I had to evict you from that there chair, my chair, with the threat of wanting to go into the courtyard garden, which of course I didn't, well not the first three times. Purrs
Anyways, I thought it was a worthwhile lesson in feline etiquette and social standing... er... sitting.
Nice and warm it was in that chair, very comfy, well all bar the draft whistling through the great hall, from you, ol' stranger, leaving the veranda doors open. Mouses!
Can you imagine my surprise when I came in the front door and found the other doors still ajar and all the heat from the fire going out into the howling gale! And rain coming in, too! Can you? No probably not if you're my peep!
Anyways, thank goodness that peep had the sense to stay seated asleep in that chair, to fend off the rain and chill for me. I do hope that blanket got dried, I mean we can't have my best tartan throw shrinking to the size of a serviette, now can I?
No if and buts, or wet puppy looks and heading off to bed, this here feline needs to know she is loved, and not just an object to be brushed past, or collided into like the Titanic. I mean if you're my peep, you'd actually love me and you'd spend time with me, awake! Not just sleep in my bed, eat my food and make a mess of the place with pizza crumbs and leaving pairs of shoes stockings everywhere.
I mean this is a two way relationship, love is a two way emotion. It isn't, I love you I love you not. You can't just move into my life and then out again, on a daily basis, but you do and expect me to just accept it and love you nonetheless.
And the abuse I have to suffer, the trauma and psychological distress. The verbal assaults on my person..... I took you on and gave you all my love, my heart and soul. I bring you all you desire and what do I get? I'll tell you what I get.... I get raised voices and swearing and cussing, not to mention all the knocking around you inflict upon me.
***** Sobbing *****
But I love you still, I know not why, but for all the cruelty I love you.....
Is it my fault? Seems like it is all my fault, for everything!
Laying the blame at your feet......
I bring you mice, with love, and you scream and shout.
I play with my toys, show the gifts of youth and life and share them with you, for you to use too, and all you do is step on them or trip over them and scream and wail.
I come and wake you each day, without fail, and all you can do is grope around for the light and bang into me looking for the treats.
Do I deserve this?
I do not!
If we are to co-habit, be friends and partners, to love each other, it has to be a full time thing.
Don't just pick me up and put me down, like when I go to the consultants.
What I want is to be.... Well, what I want is.... is....
****** Pause ******
****** Sound of drawbridge raising and door closing ******
Hi yer peep, head on over will you ol' pal, I need some literary advice as to what it is I want...
I am completely stuck when it comes to writing these deep romantic argument and emotional scenes.
I mean what we have is cool, in the good sense, but what of those poor peeps out there that have nothing, that can't feel love, that are abused and lost?
How do I deal with that to get the emotion over? The passion and feeling of a journey through the wilderness in search of a dream and having it dashed time and time again, like reaching out for a mirage. The expectations of years being dashed by the inadequacies of others problems.
Have I thought of being a Mystery/Adventure writer, you say?
On account of the body count around the Palace, you say?
Hmm, I'm not sure that really counts as a crime. And when you look at the greats, such as our pals Herman and Dori at Wonderpurr Detective Agency, or Basil and the Heathen Hoard, and Agatha Christie, I do think I should leave that to the professionals!
Mind you, I could always branch out into educational material, like 'Mouseholes for dummies' way more fun than that one of yours called Windows for dummies. Boy was that boring, unless you're a double glazing salespeep of course. Mouses!
Anyways, peep, come plonk yourself down here and give me a tickle. Hmm, better still, you go and get out of those wet clothes, slip into something soft and comfy, and I'll bring you something nice and warm for your supper.
Whoever said romance was dead has clearly never known the joy of a warm mouse and a bowl of cream. Purrs