Sunday, 14 May 2017

How old!

Hmm.....

Peepers' ol' fruit, how old are you?

I mean how old are you actually, in peep years.... 200? 300? I mean with all that vino and pizza it is so very hard to tell.

What? What do you mean that's cheeky!

Well a pals gotta think about these things you know. I mean do we need to have a stair lift putting in to the bedroom?  And thinking about it, one to the pizza fridge would be good too!

Or should I just have a bed put in the deluxe, universal accommodation centre, with en suite, that we had installed last week?

What?

WHAT!

What do you mean that's just a wooden shed with an outside tap!

Really?

Ooops, I wish you'd said that earlier, I've had the Real Estate agents round with a view to a long term let. In fact I have two mouse families lined up already.

OK so that could well be a very short term let, but with careful property management I could have loads of fun.... er.... lots of regular tenants.

You know, this estate does need that injection of new life.  I mean, you're not getting any younger are you! In fact if that Speak Your Age machine you step onto each morning is anything to go by, you seem to be going up daily sometimes by double figures. Who knew pizza had such an ageing effect, not I for sure.

I mean I always thought it was called fast food because it was some religious thing, you know the sort, to purge the soul and fulfil obligations and whatnot. But seems like its only called fast as it's a quick way to the grave and a pot belly! Mouses!

On that subject, ol' chubby midriff one, why is it called a pot belly? I mean it's not as though you've actually eaten one, or even have a desire to. Of course if they were made of pizza, or doughnuts filled with a Chardonnay cream then I know you'd be tempted. But a pot! Really?

Nope I'm not buying that. And don't you go getting any ideas either, I've counted them pots, and excluding the eight you've burnt a hole in, and the ones with my nip seedlings in, we now have two. And before you say anything, I've had a request from the Kraken to keep one of those for when she needs to have her spare set of teeth cleaned.

OK so by my reckoning that should leave us with.....

****** Rattling of calculator keys ******

Exactly minus nine pots.

What's that peepers? It should be one pot, you say!

WHAT! Oh my, this is far worse than I thought! Minus nine pots to plus one pot equals ten, then if I add the original number of missing pots that makes eighteen pots we've lost!

OK peep, there's nothing else for it, I'm docking your pay, and from now on its cold boiled food only. Mouses!

Back to this age thing. How old are you, actually?

In leap years you say? Does that make a difference then, if you jump up and down? Does it sort of stretch the years out, raise the ceiling as it were?

No? OK I am not sure I get this whole leap year thing. What you're telling me is that some bright spark decided to make all the years the same, with the same 7 days a week and the same fifty-two weeks of the year, and then decided to throw in an extra day every fourth year!

I mean what good is that? Had they miss counted? You wouldn't find a cat doing that sort of thing, no ma'am, I can count my nine times table, backwards if I had to. I can even do it without moving my teeth, though to be fair I only do that when I'm counting my guests for dinner. Purrs

Now if that there peep had any sense they'd have had a nice decimal year rather than breaking it up into all these strange amounts, something like ten day weeks, and ten weeks to the year. The real plus about this is, summer could last a whole year, and peeps would end up living three and a half time's longer!

And food would last longer too. Not that we have much problem with making food last, no ma'am, the last time I was doing a stock take in the Palace pantry, I found loads and loads of middle aged tins that you had managed to save.

There were tins of unloved potatoes, and spinach, and saddest of all, there was these abused black eyed beans! Poor things, no doubt victims of domestic violence and sought and found refuge at the back. It said on the tin that their Bean Birth date was August 1999, so I think by now those bruises will have gone away.

Anyways, I put them at the front and plan to have a party for them on their birthday, cheer them up a bit. To be on the safeside and in case they feel vulnerable, I have disguised them as a tin of something super strong!

What's that peepers? the 'BB date' DOESN'T mean 'Bean Birthday date'?   Are you sure? though that would be consistent with not finding one on you.

A 'Best before date' you say, how strange, does that mean there is a 'Bad Before date' too, for really naughty food?

Anyways, moving on, peep, ol' flageolet like one, me thinks you are deflecting from the issue to paw, which is exactly how old are you?

Come on, spill the beans, and not the ones you had for lunch........

OH......

OH MY...... About lunch, what was it you had? Wasn't Chilli by any chance, was it?

It was!

AH....

Peepers......... How do you feel right now? You do seem to have taken on a strange sort of green pigmentation around the gills?

And the tummy, OK is it? I thought I may have heard some rumblings, grumblings and gurglings just now. And you do look like you're having a hot flush, well more flushed than usual, and it's not even the Saturday night Monopoly session that you usually lose!

Really? You are!

How did I know, you say?

No reason, just a fine feline such as myself does tend to have a second sense for these things, built in radar for others suffering, and  mice of course, but that goes without saying. Purrs

May I suggest a quick step to the bathroom, and if you don't think you can make it that far, there is always that last pots in the kitchen.

Hmm, if you're going to be off colour for a bit, I think you should go into quarantine, except for my meal times, until we can track down the source of your infection.

As it happens, I know where there is a lovely new bijou detached country cottage available, pine wood decor, running water and nice country view. Reasonable rates too. Of course I'll require a deposit to secure it, as there has been a lot of interest from the locals. Shall we say a years rent up front as security, and a pint of cream a week?

Good, now if you'll collect the padlock key from the butler, you'll find your new abode at the end of the garden by the greenhouse. Whilst you're there, if you don't mind watering the nip and maybe cutting the grass, I can save enough money to get that cow creamer off Meow-Bay!

Who said being sick didn't have a silver lining???



                                                                     ~~~ The End ~~~



It's Sunday Selfie time!



Please join me now as we enter the Sunday Selfies hosted by the fantastic 

Kitties Blue: XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, and Cooper Murphy, from The Cat on My Head blog 












The Sunday selfies is a wonderful weekly celebration of blogs and bloggers from across the world, and shares stories and pictures for others to enjoy. 


Why not join the fun, by adding the code, from our hosts, a link is on their page, and posting your own selfie.



This week I have been sorting out some pictures for the new Palace postage stamps, and settled on this one and have entered for you're approval..... 

Peep suggested it should be for 'Return to sender'! Blooming cheek! I thinks the next missive I send might just be a final demand. Mouses!




To see what all our pals have been up to this week, please click the links/images below, and enjoy the HOP!