Hello, Operator, I'd like to be put through to Scotland Yard, please.
What's that? It's NEW Scotland Yard you say? Well as long as they haven't gone all high tech on me.
What I want is good old fashioned feet on the ground, peeps in kilts pounding the streets and all that!
Whats that you say Operator, they DON'T wear kilts? What, never? Not even on Sundays! Well I'll be, this is clearly some sort of cut back on the cost of good wool clothing.
Oh well Operator, if it has to be detectives in cheap nylon trousers then that is what it must be. Put me through....
OK, I'll hold.....
****** Some time passes....... then a 'CLICKING' sound ******
Helloooohooo, is anyone there?
Oh hello, umm, well you must excuse me for bothering you, but I have an emergency.
Yup, I'm fairly sure I AM a mature adult, and this is definitely NOT past my bed time.
And YES this is NOT a crank call, OK? Good, now if you don't mind I have an emergency, a crime to be solved posts haste, chop chop.
I wants feet, Police feet, on the ground right now, or sooner.
Pardon? What service do I want? Well I thought I'd called the POLICE, but if you're offering to deliver a pizza and do the ironing then I won't say no.
WHAT!
Now look, this is an emergency and I want the police, kilts or not, with or without pizza, though if they do have pizza I'll have mature Canadian on mine.......
Now look, this is an emergency and I want the police, kilts or not, with or without pizza, though if they do have pizza I'll have mature Canadian on mine.......
Pardon?
WHAT!
No I do NOT want Justin Trudeau on a pizza! Nice though he is I am sure he has better things to do....... like being a great statesman.
Mind you, if he was available to deliver in 5 minutes I could spare some time to discus Canadian and UK cream and cheese products. Don't suppose you have his number do you..... and a menu?
Mind you, if he was available to deliver in 5 minutes I could spare some time to discus Canadian and UK cream and cheese products. Don't suppose you have his number do you..... and a menu?
No?
Anyways, ALL I want is to have the Police here, on the ground, feet thereto attached to the aforementioned surface, and solving MY crime.
I hasten to add it's not MY crime as in being me being the perp, as you say, but a perp having perpetrated a crime against me!
OK, I'll hold.
****** a short time later...... ******
Hello, yes I'm still here. What do you mean do you know what time it is?
Well actually, as it happens I don't have a watch, but if you'll hang on a short moment....
Are you awake?
Whats that ol' confounded one? What time is it?
Well I don't know what the time is, I mean I may blessed with tracking instincts second only to the Inland Revenue or an elite squad of nip crazed Ninjas in rehab, but one thing the almighty didn't give me was a clock.
But them clocks do have hands and I don't, so it sort of stands to reason why I wouldn't, don't you think?
Well I don't know what the time is, I mean I may blessed with tracking instincts second only to the Inland Revenue or an elite squad of nip crazed Ninjas in rehab, but one thing the almighty didn't give me was a clock.
But them clocks do have hands and I don't, so it sort of stands to reason why I wouldn't, don't you think?
Anyways, maybe you could read that there bedside clock and tell me? I mean if you tell me, I can answer your question as to what time it is, then you can answer the question I woke you for which was do you know what time it is. It's a win win situation I do believe!
Why?
Well if I tell you, and you tell me, then I can tell the Police officer, who may or may not be wearing a kilt, but who assures me they will under no circumstances be delivering pizza, with or without Justin Trudeau on top.
It's all rather simple really. So if you don't mind, peep, what time is it exactly?
Really, 2am you say? Its that early! Well well, I could get another hours worth of mousing done if I get this break-in sorted out.
OK peep you did well, now if you'll just nod off again I've got this serious break in under control.
Hello, Officer, are you there? Good, well I am reliably informed by my peep that it is 2am precisely. Well precisely and a little bit. OK?
WHAT!
No I'm NOT being flippant, I'll have you know I'm no relation to any sea mammals nice though they are, and I don't like fish, tinned or otherwise. And not on pizza, should you happen to bring one.
No I'm NOT being flippant, I'll have you know I'm no relation to any sea mammals nice though they are, and I don't like fish, tinned or otherwise. And not on pizza, should you happen to bring one.
Now look, I do want this break-in, the break-in of the century, sorted pronto. I have things to do and need to see a cat about a mouse, as the saying goes.
Yes I know it's late, but I have an emergency!
What is it?
Well and emergency is a situation, often unexpected, that that leaves someone in need of urgent help or relief, life threatening stuff and all that. I'd have thought you'd have known all that being an emergency service and all, clear business isn't too busy these days!
Whats that?
Oh you mean MY emergency, well why didn't you say that in the first place! I can't sit around here chatting dictionary definitions, I mean its gone 2am you know, and I've an emergency!
OK. What happened is, someone has been breaking in each night and then going again, without touching anything. Until this evening when someone broke in and stole my late supper. All of it including the meaty bits I don't like. And worse still, they played with my nip mice and banana, too!
Whats that you say, unbelievable cheek you say. Well I can't agree more, and that's exactly what I thought. So, when do you think you can have the flying squad down here to dust for prints?
They won't have to bring and dust though as we have plenty of that since the vacuum cleaner started regurgitating its meals. But she's going through a bad patch at the moment, and split up with her toy boy. I mean those battery powered hand held vacuums just don't have the staying power.
****** Clicking and disengaged tone on the telephone..... ******
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Blooming cheek they've hung up. What is society coming to I ask you, huh? I mean just this very night I passed a tom cat coming from the Palace, not even a coherent word of greeting, speaking with its mouth full it was.
Oh well, now you're up peep, maybe you could fill in an on-line request for emergency assistance, and whilst you're at it, see if you can get Justin's number, I have a sudden fancy for a pizza!
What is it?
Well and emergency is a situation, often unexpected, that that leaves someone in need of urgent help or relief, life threatening stuff and all that. I'd have thought you'd have known all that being an emergency service and all, clear business isn't too busy these days!
Whats that?
Oh you mean MY emergency, well why didn't you say that in the first place! I can't sit around here chatting dictionary definitions, I mean its gone 2am you know, and I've an emergency!
OK. What happened is, someone has been breaking in each night and then going again, without touching anything. Until this evening when someone broke in and stole my late supper. All of it including the meaty bits I don't like. And worse still, they played with my nip mice and banana, too!
Whats that you say, unbelievable cheek you say. Well I can't agree more, and that's exactly what I thought. So, when do you think you can have the flying squad down here to dust for prints?
They won't have to bring and dust though as we have plenty of that since the vacuum cleaner started regurgitating its meals. But she's going through a bad patch at the moment, and split up with her toy boy. I mean those battery powered hand held vacuums just don't have the staying power.****** Clicking and disengaged tone on the telephone..... ******
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Blooming cheek they've hung up. What is society coming to I ask you, huh? I mean just this very night I passed a tom cat coming from the Palace, not even a coherent word of greeting, speaking with its mouth full it was.
Oh well, now you're up peep, maybe you could fill in an on-line request for emergency assistance, and whilst you're at it, see if you can get Justin's number, I have a sudden fancy for a pizza!
~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~
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