Balls, the story so far................
Somewhere, in a Palace far far away, a Princess rules a kingdom ravaged by mice..... well she wished it was as she hasn't seen one for ages and desperately wanted a fresh meal!
Anyways, evil forces from King Pizza and the King Chardonnay, in the Kingdom of Fridge, had conspired to make her human fat, and so a regime was put in place to banish the cellulite by taking up sport.......
First there was........
"And wheres the ball? I told you to bring a ball not a pack of premium pork sausages....
Now look, peep, when they said 'pigskin' they weren't referring to sausages, no matter how tasty, they wouldn't last a time out, let alone a first down!"
Later this happened........"Of course that practice wasn't without its risks especially if the mice broke loose and ran up the threads, as mice are want. Rumour has it that it was one such incident that gave rise to what later became called the Highland Fling!"
And who could forget this........
"Now back to the game at paw and those golfers, do you think they'd be happy with a piece of string tied to their golf balls, should they get lost?"
Also...
"Of course there is one small task you will have to do in return for this participating in my money making scheme... how do you feel about mouses down your stockings?"
Then in August there was.......
Tomorrow you say? Hmm, in that case I think there's time for a re-run of the last race. I do rather think the jockey, namely you, was holding the horse back. I mean, I don't think hanging of its neck screaming "STOP! STOP!" is really in the Jockey Club rules, do you?
And then this happened.....
Enough already with the moaning, how was I to know you don't tie the hoist sling that way through the legs! Just think of it as a new slimming and breathing exercise, plus it will make you more streamlined, a bit.
Not forgetting this.....
Oh you mean does it have any. Well, as this is the racing model, the sales peep said you won't need brakes, sort of hinders the speed. But if you do, it includes the patented 'Issac Newton Braking System' i.e. you fall off and land on your head!
Now you can't say fairer than that!
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And now, for your cinematographic delight, in glorious TC™ & DMS™ (Tuxedo Colour, and Dubious Meowround Sound),
Albert R. Nipolli presents:-
Balls 4, Return of the Yeti!
What Ho, peep, hows those bruises coming along?
Uh-hu, really, and they'll be there how long? Months you say, really! I suppose they're just plain ol' black and blue, huh?
No?
Really?
They're those shades?
Hmm, hang on I could maybe do a swatch for your bedroom curtains and bed sheets, always good to co-ordinate and blend in, and sure does make a change from your usual pasty grey.
So far this year we have done horse racing, on merry go rounds, on which I made a real killing on an each way bet on who'd be first to fall off and cry.... any guesses?
OK, moving swiftly on, which aptly brings me to your recent cycling attempts, when you managed to terrorise three old ladies. Well they weren't old and grey before you had knocked them and their guide dogs out the way.
Thankfully they landed in a heap in a pile of clothes and sustained only mild bruises, for which some kindly passersby administered some frozen peas and Brussels sprouts. I know this as a fact as I have been presented with a sizable bill for the thawed food.
What I really would like to know is, besides how you got that bicycle into the supermarket, how on earth do they get away with charging that much for Brussels! Daylight robbery I say, which is the charge the shop owner brought for the trousers the bicycled snagged as it careered through the isles!
I've had to buy those trousers, and also managed to get the trousers dropped on account on you clearly not being of sound mind. I mean who in their right mind rides a souped up, decimalised, Penny Farthing in a wet suit and welding mask!
I wouldn't have minded the trousers, but you picked up some rather distastefully lurid yellow tartan trousers off the bargain rail. Clearly the bottom has fallen out of that market since the upsurge in kilt wearing, resultant directly from my recent expose of what was really under the kilt. Mouses!
OK, this is your last chance, its bite the bullet time, do or die. Well, less of the die and more of the doing, and I'm determined that you will lose weight before Christmas.
So, as the Palace is hosting the winter Olympics, I thought what better way to get fit than to enter you into some of the competitions. In addition, I have spared no expense and got you a fancy, state of the art, skin tight thermal sweat suit, with built in external air flow evaporation system..... that will be the hairs on the outside to you. So if you'll just slip yourself in and put on these skis we'll get going.
Some time later......
Oooh you look very smart in deed, and I love the little floofy tail.... er.... aerofoil at the back. Now I know what you're thinking there, and this is definitely NOT a fancy lady polar bear outfit. You can't pull the fur over this Princesses eyes, no ma'am, so I checked with the elf guy with pointy ears in the shop, and he assured me that this suits design is exactly why you never see any overweight and sweating polar bears!Anyways, to save time and increase viewing figures for the cream adverts I've placed between events, I've had some of the events merged together.
For example the Ice Hockey, Curling, and Figure Skating are now combined. The figure skaters can stand on the curling stone, demonstrating their prowess and balance, whilst a burly dude in some spangly lycra can push them around the ring in an appealing fashion, to the sound of the 1812 overture, played live with real canon.
The team to get their own stone, complete with balanced skaters to the other side with the least injuries from canon fire is the winner. This will definitely cut down on the number of players needed and thus save countless injuries caused by them bumping in to each other all the time. Of course they will need bigger sticks to push them along with!
Also I thought we'd liven things up and make it more seasonal and fun for the kids, so I've introduced some more Christmas games. There will be snowman snowboarding, and the downhill Santa sleigh jumping competition, a test of steering and balance, and great practice should you get called to help Santa come Christmas.
Anyways, for you peep, I thought we could try something where you didn't have to have much input. Point and shoot as they say, but absolutely nothing to do with guns especially after last time when you mistakenly launched my experimental Intercontinental New Years Party Poppers!
It wouldn't have been so bad but you interrupted the Prime Ministers afternoon tea and scones. Worse still, they got the President off the golf course and caused him to miss a birdie! Of course if it had been me, that just wouldn't have happened.
Right, the time has come for you to take centre stage, peep, and win a Gold Medal for the queen and country, and the Palace. You special event will be the speed skating pursuit competition, no holds barred. To spice it up, your tag partner is Mr A Sasquatch, who flew in from the USA specifically for this event. Said actually he can't get much of this sort of action at home so is all raring to go.
I dare say that will be enough incentive to run fast, and lose weight, wouldn't you?
To be continued................. NOT!
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