The Mousarach

Note to the reader:-  

Thank you for joining us again for a Fly on the wall insight into the daily lives of ordinary folk, and Princesses. September is the time for hiring new staff at the Palace, in what has come to be called the  Mousarach, (pronounced moo-sar-ach) a name I'm told literally translates from the little used tongue of Garlic, as 'serving of the food staff'. Of course these days the duties do also include light household cleaning and participating in halloween parties. So please pull up seat by your fire, pour a nip liquor and join me now as Erin takes to the stage, and the Mousarach begins..... 


Right, you 'orrible lot!

You are gathered here to start your on the job training to become part of the elite Palace staff.  Staff whose task it is to run in the background and keep the place free from some of the less desirable aspects of everyday life. Cleaning and pest control as it were, and also a bit of fun on the side.

I run a tight ship, well I would if the moat was a tad bigger, but till then it's a tight dingy!

And no sniggering in the back row!

Yes you with the brown coat, twitch and nose hair! I've got my eye on you, any more of that and you'll be out, tail between your legs!

There'll be no slacking on my watch. Everything has to be in its place, and no slack rope or knots either. The watchwords are, if it's not being used to hang off or climb up or down, I want it neatly spiralled up and out the way.

And don't give me any of that, "Well I thought it would be ok stuck in a corner till later" nonsense. Wherever and whatever it is, it will be neat and tidy I don't want things gathering dust unless they have permission to!

This Palace prides itself in being authentic and that means the staff too. Even the woodworm is genuine so don't go getting any ideas about exterminating those little guys, as I was lucky to get them and they don't come cheap.

Interestingly enough, Scottish worms are the best to have for the authentically chewed furniture look without the crunch. Yup, the worm salesman said they're so miserly they don't eat a lot.

Anyways, no expense has been spared for those guys, I've even had to have a special diet flown in from Scotland, seasoned highland tossing caber. Great stuff and one lasts for years and stops them from eating the proper stuff. Nothing worse than having pals round for a game of Cats Cradle and finding the cat tree collapses on you.

Now where was I?

Oh yes, do I make myself clear?

DO I?

Good!

You in the front row, stop shuffling those feat, and look at me when I'm talking to you!

You are?

Oh sorry, difficult to tell with you guys... you are a guy, aren't you? You all look the same to me.

Anyways, you recruits have been split into two sections. Section M, as I call you, will be doing the undercover work as it were, tunnels attics and secret passages. You other lot will be Section S, the high level duties, and abseiling team.

You will all be assigned a position requisite to your size and ability and I expect you to be there day and night. The peep does spot checks nightly, and you'll be you overboard, washed up or ejected from the nearest portal if you are found wanting or somewhere you shouldn't be, especially if you use the private bathrooms and kitchens!

Nothing worse for the peep's blood pressure than finding you in the bath on a dark winters evening. You only get to use them when we have guests, and then only when under orders to frighten them, such as Halloween and thundery nights. Any other times you stick to your posts and only speak when spoken to.

Oh, and no fighting in the corridors during working hours. Nothing worse than finding bodies everywhere especially if I haven't made them. If you have to do that sort of thing, or... ahem.... family planning issues, then the potting shed is the place.

As to time off, well there is none, but there will be plenty of moments when you can rest easy and soak in the sun, or the dark dependant on whether you like that sort of thing.

Right, now is the time to speak up if you can't cut it. There is no prize for getting through this, but let me assure you I'll tear you off a strip and feed you to the vultures if you fail!

OK slight exaggeration as we haven't got any of those, but we do have some hens and they can get really temperamental around tea time!

Succeed today and you will get to live a life of adventure and dine off the finest food. There will be highs and lows for sure, but then this is a cruel world and the Palace is no playground, except for peeps ball pit in the West wing tower.

So as they say, if you can't stand the heat damp and stinky mouldy green cheese that somehow got lost under the work surface last Christmas, then get out of my kitchen!

Seconds later and much running of feet........

Hmm.... OK, so maybe that introduction was a bit harsh but nice to see some of you have hung around.

Right, Section M staff, when we've finished up here you two can break for a meal. The cheese and biscuits are over there by the chair on the floor, oh and if you can tidy up any crumbs too that would be great start. And once you are done you can head off on your first task, which is to basically get lost around the Palace. And mind the booby traps, I don't want to lose any staff on the first shift! I will come around and try to find you once I have finished with Section S.

OK. Section S staff, your task is to scale the steep, and sometimes slippery surfaces to reach the farthest corners of the Palace and make sure all undesirables get caught. Summer is definitely the worst time for the unwanted getting in through open windows and doors, so I will be expecting good figures from you each week. BUT there will be no getting fat off the land and stopping working, no ma'am.  What you catch needs to be inventoried for digestion later when things are slack, like the winter months.

Those of you assigned to bathroom duties will be dropped off, one per bathroom, and will be expected to familiarise yours with your surroundings before taking up residence in your designated cubby hole. Also at some point you will need to complete your on site practical assessment in abseiling steep slippery surfaces. So I suggest you start on the small beginner heights and slopes and then work up to the higher one after in the afternoon when the guests are out.

Big pointer for you, on these practice runs a chain will be left down should you get stuck, but it does stop short of the top so you will have to make the last bit yourselves. It's not far and usually is quite dry going.

And one more thing, it's cleaning day on Tuesdays, so make yourselves and your stuff scarce else you'll get sucked into the whole dusting game.

Right off you go, and remember, be safe out there!

****** Erin sighs, and looks at the new staff running from the Great Hall******

I do love a good Mousarach hiring. Warms the cockles of the heart it does, and so nice to hear the patter of little feet once more. I just can't wait till Christmas!

Now if I give the Mouse Section and the Spider Section a few weeks to get settled in and get the families going, I should have enough staff by December to do all the cleaning of crumbs, and decorations for the Christmas Celebrations. If I'm lucky there may even be some left come Easter!

Right, I best head off and see whether I can get someone silly enough to shift that festering cheese out the kitchens...... I wonder who?

What ho peep, fancy some cheese with those crackers? You do? Oooh well have I got a surprise for you. Here take this clothes peg and this mask and it's all yours.....

                                                      ~~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~~