Balls, the story so far.................
Somewhere, in a Palace far far away, a Princess rules a kingdom ravaged by mice..... well she wished it was as she hasn't seen one for ages and desperately wanted a fresh meal!
Anyways, evil forces from King Pizza and the King Chardonnay, in the Kingdom of Fridge, had conspired to make her human fat, and so a regime was put in place to banish the cellulite by taking up sport.......
Sometime in February........
"What Ho, peep. Today we'll be playing football, American football that is, so I expect you to get padded up and ready to go in 5 minutes, and before you ask, no there isn't padding for you derriere, I think it's quite capable of protecting itself."
And..............
"And wheres the ball? I told you to bring a ball not a pack of premium pork sausages....
Now look, peep, when they said 'pigskin' they weren't referring to sausages, no matter how tasty, they wouldn't last a time out, let alone a first down!"
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| © ERIN THE CAT PRINCESS |
"Of course that practice wasn't without its risks especially if the mice broke loose and ran up the threads, as mice are want. Rumour has it that it was one such incident that gave rise to what later became called the Highland Fling!"
And...
"Now back to the game at paw and those golfers, do you think they'd be happy with a piece of string tied to their balls, should they get lost?"
Also...
"Of course there is one small task you will have to do in return for this participating in my money making scheme... how do you feel about mouses down your stockings?"
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And now, for your cinematographic delight in glorious TC™ & DMS™ (Tuxedo Colour, and Dubious Meowround Sound), Albert R. Nipolli presents:-
Balls free, Attack of the Bicycle!
What Ho, peep, anyone for.... Umm, what are we playing this month?
I know its not horse racing, you tried that last month and not a success. Of course if you'd actually got proper horses that.....
Whats that peep? Cheaper to get that them that way? Bulk hire rate, twelve for the price of one?
Well I suppose that is good value, but which one won? I mean it was all very ordered at the beginning but quite frankly it seemed to descend into utter chaos, and I was dizzy watching you all spinning around and bobbing up and down over those fences.
And I had a bet on the one with 'candy floss pink' coloured silk hat, a £1 each way bet I think it was. I'm not daft you know, if there's going to be a prize for going backwards as well as forwards I want a bit of that action.
Whats that peep, they were ALL in 'Candy floss' pink? Oh well, no matter, I did have an each way bet on them all so I think the odds are I'll get something back on fifty percent of them. Shame about those that are even, they never seem to get a chance to be the favourite.
Anyways, when did the Merry-go-Round owner say when he was coming to collect them fillies?
Tomorrow you say? Hmm, in that case I think there's time for a re-run of the last race. I do rather think the jockey, namely you, was holding the horse back. I mean, I don't think hanging of its neck screaming "STOP! STOP!" is really in the Jockey Club rules, do you?
Anyways, what I have lined up for you this afternoon is cycling. Yup there's nothing quite like a quiet cycle ride around the castle to chase away the blues.... and if you wave your hands around you can scare away the pigeons too. Two birds with one stone as it were. So if you'll slip into your super spandex outfit and fit these super special high impact spangly cycle glasses that they all wear, I show you to your mount.
Whats that ol' sport? They look like a diving suit and welding visor?
OK, well technically yes, but if you fall off and into the moat that suit will keep you warm and dry and save a cleaning bill. As to the glasses, just think of them as deflecting the bugs that come your way like a personal windshield.
Now as to steads, I have spared no expense. Well actually I had no expenses to spare so I took out a lone on your credit card and scraped together enough for this special super dooper high tech racing machine.
I can tell from that dropped jaw that you are impressed, and well you should be, the travelling velocipede salesman assured me this is state of ark stuff.
All the latest advancements in velocipede design. In fact note the dragster lines the high rise seating position. Yup you'll be head and shoulders above the competition with this baby.
Whats that peep? A Penny Farthing you say?
Well that just shows how much you know, this is the decimalised version called the 2P10P, that's 2Pound and 10Pence to the layperson or in America that will be sold as the 2D10C but I think that will change with the exchange rate.
Anyways, if you will just pop on board I'll give you a run down on the controls....
Sometime later......
Enough already with the moaning, how was I to know you don't tie the hoist sling that way through the legs! Just think of it as a new slimming and breathing exercise, plus it will make you more streamlined, a bit.
OK, now you're there, get yourself settled in. Yup that's the seat, granted smaller than you're used to but there was no way we could fit a recliner and maintain stability at speed. Right what I need you to do is grasp that there navigational control lever and initiate pre flight checks, flaps ailerons rudder etc... Ooops sorry I got my pilots training manual out by mistake, hang on I'll be right back.....
Sometime even later.......
Oooh hello, are you still here?
Waiting for me you say?
Oh heck, I forgot! Sorry there was this great reality TV show starting, Hollywood Cats, and then there was At Home with the Catdashians, a fly on the wall look at everyday famous cats trying to live sleepy lives. Of course totally unrealistic, I mean a cat household with a fly on the wall? Just wouldn't happen!
Anyways, now you're here I think its time to get started. Grab the handle bars and push off from the wall with your feet. Oh if you happen to see any ripe fruit on the way round, I've added a kids fishing net on a pole.
Any questions?
Breaks you say? What about brakes?
Oh you mean does it have any. Well, as this is the racing model, the sales peep said you won't need brakes, sort of hinders the speed. But if you do, it includes the patented 'Issac Newton Braking System' i.e. you fall off and land on your head!
Now you can't say fairer than that!
To be continued.............. No, seriously it is!
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