Pull will you!
No, not that way, to me not you!
No hang on, that's not right, I mean to YOU not me. If it was to ME, and not you, that would be pushing. Unless of course you did it backwards. Nope I just can't see that working, more likely you'd fall over.
Nope stick with the first plan, and pull. On three.
Three.... and pull!
Oh my word. Look, how difficult is it to get this sorted?
No NOT right, don't go right. I didn't say go right did I!
Hmm OK so I did say right, but that right was as in an OK, right sort of way, and not a right as in left and right, right.... er... OK?
Now look peep ol' handed challenged one, when I said right you don't have to go right as I mean OK. OK?
Whats that peeps? What if I mean go right rather than right as in right OK?
Hmm, well I do think that is very unlikely, but should that unlike event come to pass I will probably say go left instead and get you to go all the way around till you get to the point going right would have got you to. Ok so this could have it's risks if going left when you were lying on the bed meant you fell out of bed and banged your head on the floor, but that is a risk I'm prepared to take. I'll just have to make sure I have the legs taken off the bed.
Now what we need to do is get you pulling, so put you back into it and push like a peep possessed by.... er... hmm, what has possessed you by the way?
All this seems to have started since you retired? You've not gone all depressed on me have you?
Being depressed is not an option well not after TWO days. You really do have to work on things for a little bit longer before deciding to get depressed. It takes years of practice to become a true depressee.
No? Well glad to hear it. Being at home with me should be exactly what the Dr ordered, that and the sun. Just think with all the time we get together, you can be streaming the lawn, digging the beds. I do stress that, as I know what happened last time, you strimmed the beds and dug the lawn.
I mean it took ages to get things sorted with the NUM's (National Union of Moles) And the Bees were none to chuffed either. I mean it cost be a fortune in jars of honey to pay for loss of earnings, AND I had to open the jars for them, not easy without opposable thumbs I can tell you.
On the plus side, those holes added a certain new dimension to playing croquet. All it needs is a few plant pots put in the holes to stop the balls disappearing, and hey presto we have a new game. I had thought about patenting the idea, and calling it ' Snookered' but apparently someone has cornered the market on that already. Curses, another great idea ruined.
Still, it has given the moles a head start on the new Mole-cular multi tunnel subway they were planning around the Palace, and means I can start a toll booth at each end and raise some much needed funds for the Homeless Cats Cream Fund, of which I happen to be Chair Princess and Official Taster of Funds.
Anyways, if its not depression, is it the heat? I know you don't do well in anything above warm and go all puffy and red. If it wasn't for the fact that you don't have spines, last summer I could have sold you to that aquatic specialist as a very rare British Blowfish, I mean you even have the right mouth movements for a fish out of water, just like now.
Look, all this chatting just isn't getting to the bottom of things, now is it. I think you are just going to have to face the facts that whatever it is you are trying to do just isn't going to work whether it be push pull left or..... right.
What you're doing is just simply impossible, unlike the old saying of a quart of milk into a pint pot. I, as amateur algorythmist, solver of the P=NP problem, and solver of one of the oldest problems known to peep kind which is also the biggest money spinners to carpet cleaners, namely why toast lands on the butter side down, can safely say a quart into a pint is easy. All you have to do is drink from the pint as you pour from the quart. Simples!
But you, peep, you have set a new challenge, a challenge that has daunted peeps for eternity, namely margarine.
Whats that peep? It's nothing to do with margarine you say?
Well butter then. That sure does sound appropriate, you being currently the BUTT of the current humorous... er... this dilemma, get it?
Butt and Butter? Yes? No? Oh come on peepers, surely YOU can see the irony in that!
Whats that, ol' chubby one, Spread? It's SPREAD you say and NOT butter, or margarine.
Well I can see that, I mean that's the whole problem. Truth is, it's the spread and the slacking that's got you to be the peep you are today! Not enough exercise, And too much food, that doesn't help either, like all that cheese cake at Blog Paws...
Hang on, I know whats going on here, you've been looking at those pictures from the conference, the ones where you look, well lets just say there were folks taking bets on when the baby was due!
Let me guess, all this huffing and puffing is because you can't get into those there slacks. Well if I'd known that I wouldn't have bothered with all the pull or pushing. What this takes is a traditional bit of good old fashioned logic and plenty of exercise.
As of now you, ol' pre natal one, are on a new fitness regime. Off you go then, give me one hundred press ups, and downs and twice around the estate. Whilst your down towards the village you could call in and collect that one hundred weight of potatoes I ordered, and the weeks newspapers.
****** Some hours later....... ******
Well, lost a few pounds of potatoes that is, as there's a hole in that bag and I can see a trail leading down to the village!
Anyways now you're here, I don't suppose you saw the saw the washing machine repair girl on your travels?
You did? Good, maybe you could give her a call and ask her to call in when she's free. Looks like the washers stuck on boil wash again. Not been the same since before Blog Paws and has shrunk my favourite padded bed down to the size of a doughnut.
It just won't do for a princess to be seen not fitting into ones bed. Everyone will think I've been hitting the cream, or worse still had an affair and with kitten! And before you know it, it will be in all the tabloids, and some bright spark will be suggesting I go on a diet, or take up jogging.
Can you believe it, I mean who in there right mind would do that?
~~~~~ The End ~~~~~